Why We Fought the War in Iraq (from 10-23-02)

Having abandoned my news reporter post of late to journey out West, the sands of time have covered up the news that occurred in my absence. It is no longer "news" but "olds", just like my father's car. Some very hilarious things may thus have slipped past my eagle eye, but Randog the Underdog Watchdog remains ever vigilant. For it seems that the entire population of Iraq has assumed the Underdog position relative to their Supreme Leader (or whatever other silly name he insists on being called).

I was alerted to this fact when I read in the Chronicle how Mr. Hussein had chosen to express his gratitude to his people for their overwhelming support. Having selected his from a list of names on the ballot totaling exactly one (1), the public clearly deserved something very special and that is exactly what they got. If you are an avid reader of the news like I am, you already know what that "special something" was - that's right, he ordered the immediate release of ALL Iraqi prisoners!

When I first read that I thought I was seeing things and I was - I was seeing the San Francisco Chronicle as a matter of fact. But if the thought of releasing hardened criminals back into the very populace they raped, pillaged and plundered is not the most ghoulish display of appreciation you ever heard of, please contact me at once! Such a Mother Lode of Fool's Gold should not be kept hidden under the bushel of your noggin, but should be openly shared with others who are in desperate need of the medicine of laughter, even if it is laced with the bitter taste of revulsion like this dosage!

He did say that murderers had to get permission from their victim's families in order to be released, which implies that rapists and their ilk are free to "pop in" just for old time's sake. Actions like Mr. Hussein's are signs of a peculiar psychosis characteristic of people who sport such titles as "Supreme Leader" and whatnot. For he is only pandering to the criminals and their families by releasing them back into the public, I suppose so they can turn out in droves to check The Box on the ballot. But one would hope that they represent such a small number relative to the overall victim population that only the Opposition Candidate named Lack O. Turnout could ever hope to get the upper hand in Iraq.

Usually, however, such gestures of compassion and gratitude on the part of Supreme Leaders are a kind of public admission that most prisoners are languishing behind bars because they somehow questioned His Supremacy in thought, word, deed or expression. This much was obvious from today's news, which covered an extremely rare public demonstration in Baghdad by the families of prisoners who are still missing after they were all released! According to the report, demonstrations in Iraq are quite common but they are usually against the US or Israel and are carefully orchestrated by the government. An Iraqi official stated that ALL prisoners had been released, which means either the families of murder victims in Iraq are extremely forgiving people or the whole thing was a cover up for a huge bureaucratic blunder involving lost documents or something. Who knows?

Either way, I hereby take up my Mighty Pen in a Swift and Sudden Stroke to the Head of the Iraqi Despot and cleave it from his torso for the crime of torturing his people that way! For Randog the Bulldog is the Watchdog who protects the Underdog this Dog-Eat-Dog world of ours, and my fangs are frothing with rabid anticipation! So beware, all ye Supreme Leaders, Corporate Raiders, Con Artists, Spammers and Whatnot! For the neck is not the best part of the body to sport cleavage if you know what I mean!