Let's Get Rid of Stan, Shall We?

Was there some guy named Stan the Conquerer who founded Pakistan, Azbekestan, Afghanistan and half a dozen other countries ending in stan? Until someone convinces me otherwise it might as well be the case.

The Great Stan, Stan the Man, the Stanmeiester - what do we know about him? Only what the dusty records of history tell us, and boy are they dusty! But all the Stan countries have seen their better days come and go for the most part - if the name of your country ends in the word stan I think you know what I mean.

That being the case, my suggestion is that all the Stan nations agree to drop the redundant ending to their names and save a ton of trees at the very least. Since nobody ever heard of Stan the Impaler to begin with, who gives a flying wazoo? Just call yourselves Afghani, Paki, Azberki, and so on. Forget the whole Stan thing, OK? Just drop it.

On the other hand, Iran is between Iraq and a hard place - were they founded by someone named Ira the Invincible? Their names are WAY too similar, leaving the first three letters entirely redundant. Therefore I suggest that they begin going by their new, non-redundant names "N" and "Q".

Many parts of the world are in dire need of naming assistance like this. Take the Czechs, for example - you'd think they were rationing vowels or had way too many consants on hand from the looks of their words! C'mon, you guys - lighten up a little bit!

Even though vowels are greatly outnumbered in the alphabet, never forget that an A can hold its own against a whole crowd of angry hard consonants like K, B or T. I'd rather have more vowels on my side than consonants in a game of Scrabble any day, wouldn't you?

Although I think it is beautiful to look at, I pity the poor Chinese who have to sketch a friggin' painting just to make a single word, don't you? The waiter at my favorite Chinese restaurant always looks like he's drawing a picture of a tea leaf whenever I say I want ice tea, the poor guy. It takes forever for him to take my order that way.

Since I am a wordsmith and names are my specialty, I am often called upon for special projects that I cannot disclose because of national security reasons. In fact, I may be on shaky ground just by disclosing the whole national security thing in the first place, but my backspace key is broken so I have to let it lie. But suffice it so say that there is bound to be some stiff opposition to my "Do Away With Stan" idea in the Middle East, which is enough of a hot spot as it is. So just forget I ever said anything, OK?

Thanks.
Randog

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