The Transylvannian Invasion Continues

I hope you know you’re getting more frequent coverage than Wolf Blizter and the rest of the CNN team EVER gave you during the Gulf War! The Wolf Man (as I called him back then, he got tired of the reindeer jokes) was always going on and on and on, wasn’t he? He was always my cue for coffee break time or a quick trip to the loo (er, restroom – thanks again, Paul).

But the Transylvannians have no tanks, so we can’t track their movements on animated maps using the latest 3D technology. So that makes me wonder if we’ll even get prime time coverage – the unions have that whole thing locked down pretty much. No tank movements, no airplay I think is the rule.

But Operation Spirit Force is not a matter of conventional warfare, it is an outbreak of unspeakable terror – Ghost Wars! My adopted son Pete is a wizard at drawing spooky creatures and monsters, so CNN will keep him busier than a paranoid schizophrenic running from some imaginary pack of voices, dontcha think? Those “troop movements” will be a real creative challenge to the graphically adept amongst us, I would say.

On another wildly unrelated topic (unless you are psychic like me), I wonder how many other options John Hinckley weighed in his mind before settling on the one he did (i.e., assassinate the President)? Surely he didn’t act on the first thing that just “popped into his head”, did he? Or the first casual suggestion of some disembodied voice or other?

Obviously he didn’t get independent verification from someone else’s voices, unless they were even kookier than he was. But if that was the best idea he could come up with for winning Jodie’s affections, I wonder what the other ones were? Seriously!

They had to have been worse or he would not have chosen the assassination route, is my way of thinking. Maybe threatening to destroy the entire planet with the nuclear Petard he built in his closet is one possibility. Of course, he would have to carry out his threat if she didn’t respond, which may have been a real possibility in his deranged mind (blowing up the world, that is, not her rejection).

Covering himself with gasoline and threatening to strike a match on live television might have occurred to him. But once again, there is the whole problem of carrying through with it, and therein lies the rub (or the immolation, in this case). No voice in its right mind would suggest that kind of stupidity – don’t want to torch the “host organism” like that!

So the only other option would have to be that somebody else has to be the scapegoat, the patsy, like Spain was to Teddy or Grenada to Ronny. And who else but Ronny himself, is what I say! (Or he said, I’m not that crazy, remember?)

You see, I am something of a sleuth in addition to being a soothsayer of sorts. Sleuthery is a Psychic Art, a Science of Mind. It is not the hackneyed old image of the gumshoe drinking scotch when the beautiful dame walks in. No. Even though I am certain that Molly would argue for the psychotic origins of the word “sleuth”, a “sleuth” and a “gumshoe” are two different animals. They are like comparing apples and oranges if you will (which are fruits, not animals, I know - but work with me on this).

So my Shingle on the Web will now have a new Bullet Point, in Bold Font with Italics, saying:

“Psychic Sleuthery – Online Virtually All the Time”

I’m concerned about the font I’m using for my Shingle – I may have to shrink the point size to get all the bullet points to fit on an 800 X 600 resolution monitor. Sure, that resolution is a bit outdated, but I don’t want to exclude the technologically impoverished in our midst. Just because people have some archaic PC left over from the former Soviet Empire does NOT mean they cannot enjoy a chuckle or a snort every now and again!

Back to Transylvannia! An attack of killer vampire bats from hell would be enough to give our Manic General a run for his lithium salts wouldn’t it! Were the Adams Family and the Munsters related, or were they competitors vis a vis the Hatfields and McCoys? After the shows were cancelled they must have moved back to Transylvannia. That worries me, because those air strikes are supposedly aimed at military targets – musket factories and the like. But occasionally some smart bomb with a learning disability will land right on someone’s castle over there! KA-BOOOM!

So I hope Herman and the rest of those zany folks have not only made up, but have gotten inside their spooky old storm cellars to wait out the raids. I wonder if they have Internet in Transylvannia? If not, they are REALLY screwed.

Stay tuned for further developments from the field. This is Wolf Man Randall for CNN in Eastern Transylvannia”.

Stay tuned for a brief commercial break from our sponsors.