The Invasion of Transylvannia Begins!

Is there really a place called Transylvannia anywhere but in the movies? I hate to seem so ignorant, and if my backspace key worked it wouldn’t be so commonplace. But it has a certain Hollywood ring to it, and the Hollywood ring sounds like this : “Ding Dong”.

It means some ding dong came up with it off the top of his typewriter and slapped it out on a piece of paper (ka ching, goes the carriage as it whips back to the beginning of the next line). Because if there really is such a place I wonder if they realize the kind of image they have in our minds?

Creepy, that’s what. Dark and spooky, very scary, with lots of bats flying around and all that. Definitely not in the top 10 places you’d want to live. Not even in the top 10,000. So if there is such a place and it’s really more of a “hap hap happy” place than what they show in the movies, I suggest a class action suit against all the major studios. MGM Grand I think should be the named defendant, with the other studios enjoined on a shared liability clause. The Transylvannia Tourism Department can probably cite chapter and verse of the precipitous decline in tourism that has occurred over the last 50 to 70 years. What was once a glitzy resort scene is now more like a ghost town, I would imagine.

Of course, if Transylvannia is a figment of some screenwriter’s overly active serotonin uptake mechanisms, then my suit won’t hold much water, will it? (Note to self – see if Transylvannia exists before filing a lawsuit against MGM on their behalf, that would be embarrassing).

If Transylvannia exists and they do have a military, I hope all the guys in the Pentagon have taken their lithium salts today as I suggested. Otherwise they might be eyeing them as a possible target – for what, I don’t know. Perhaps because the former USSR is such a pushover nowadays?

“What are those Russkies going to do, hurl rotten beets at us?”, says the manic Five Star General with no lithium in his blood. “Beets that have spoiled in the warehouse because of antiquated shipping systems and too much vodka?”

No, Transylvannia would make a much better “evil empire”. Dark, sinister, foreboding – up to no good, basically. Public opinion polls show that an enemy with dark qualities like that is far more popular than one that merely throws beats in cold climates. Yes, the former Soviets still have their nuclear arsenals – but the buttons have rusted from the long, harsh winters, and the soldiers are sleeping off their hangovers. There is no borscht, and there is no fine vodka – only the cheap stuff, made from spoiled beets. That’s what somebody told me, anyway.

So if someone at the Pentagon woke up feeling a bit on the manic side (not hypo, mind you, but half blown, maybe ¾ blown), he might be looking for what is known in Pentagon-speak as a “pasty nation”, one that will host a spontaneous show of overwhelmingly superior force! And military strategy!

“First we’ll cut ‘em off, then we’ll kill ‘em”. (Too bad that one’s been used or it would have been great)!

I’d hate to be the President (or King, whatever) of Transylvannia right now! Wouldn’t you? There would be the endless CNN reports, with the same tired old cast blathering away about the latest developments in Transylvannia:

“Air strikes continued into the night and early morning hours, as sorties intensified in the attempt to take out key communication command posts of the Transylvannian military machine. Transylvannian government officials report that damage is neglible, but CIA intelligence gathered from spy satellites indicate we mopped the floor with their spooky butts”.

You know the drill.

But the Transylvannians will not cave in to the Great Satan (what an irony, eh?) They won’t use chemical or biological warfare, but Ghost Warfare! Sending squadrons of goblins and spooky creatures across the Atlantic under cover of darkness, headed straight for your bedroom at night. Children have been warning of this invasion in fairy tales and nightmares for eons – well this it. An anthrax outbreak is like tinker toys compare to this, with our without steroids – your choice.

Stay tuned to this reporter’s keyboard, as he chronicles the unfolding of this most psychotic brainchild of a Manic Five Star General:

“The Invasion of Transylvannia – Operation Spirit Force”