The Invasion of Transylvannia - Operation Spirit Force

There has been no late breaking news in the Transylvannian theatre of operations – it must be intermission or something. But I’m not looking forward to nighttime, that’s for sure. Don’t bother calling Ghost Busters, pal – they will be WAY over-booked. I’ve tried calling that psychic who chased off all my entities but I can’t find her phone number anywhere. I know she’ll be over-booked when all those spirits start “landing” in closets, under beds, in cellars and pantries, etc.

The lady with the aliens in her closet will get really bamboozled when a bunch of ghosts crash the party. Aliens can see ghosts, unlike the average American who was not taught this in school the way they are in Transylvannia. The average child in Transylvannia can communicate with spirit entities by the age of 2, even before he or she begins to speak in Transylvannian sentences!

I hope that Manic Five Star General realizes what he has gotten us into. Hussein’s Red Guard is like the former Soviet Union in its Glory Days (such as they were) compared to the Transylvannian Black Guard. The Black Guard have no tanks, which is a really big problem on the modern day battlefield filled with enemy tanks. They have no artillery to speak of either. Not even muskets with those primitive loading mechanisms like Revere and his farmers had!

You see, Transylvannia is not the global threat to our survival that our mentally disturbed friend in the Pentagon would have us believe. It’s not even as threatening as Spain was (“the Spanish Terror”) when that famous Bipolar II Teddy Bear Roosevelt convinced the Congress to declare war on them!

"Those dirty rotten Spaniards! First we will cut them off, then we will kill them"!

Yeah, right, Baron von Tedmeister - lithium salts might go well on all that red meat you've been scarfing lately.

No, the Trannsylvannian strike force was initiated WITHOUT the approval of Congress under the Manic Brainchild Exclusion Act passed in 1936 by Teddy’s blood relative, FDR. Basically this allows any cockamamie scheme that the President or one of his henchmen comes up with to be carried out on a whim. Otherwise you would never get the gargantuan budget approved for one thing, and there’s the pesky public opinion polls. Best to ask forgiveness than permission, I think is the principle.

OK, so the invasion of Transylvannia is in full swing now. The President is in the Oval Office about to address the nation.

“Good day my Fellow Americans. This morning the American Army, Air Force and Marine Special Forces, with full back up and support from the Royal Air Force of the United Kingdom, began a full-scale invasion of the Socialist State of Transylvannia. Attempts to negotiate a settlement to the crisis have failed, in spite of repeated offerings for what I and the American people firmly believed were fair and reasonable settlements. The leader of Transylvannia has balked at our proposals and has threatened recriminations of various kinds, including a kind of Ghost Warfare that was outlawed in the Geneva Convention. Blah blah blah”

In other words, “this is a stupid war, it is not a not-so-stupid war, but it will boost CNN viewership ratings and might jump-start the economy and pull us out of this slump. At least our stock portfolios will have a pulse, for crying in the NASDAQ”.

Or am I all wet? Do the Transylvannians really deserve our contempt and our missiles? If so, shouldn’t we just drop the “Big One” on them and get it over with? That’s right, the Plutonian Fat Boy (not the one that takes out Mars and Venus, the one right below that or thereabouts)?

No, that would be wrong. It sets a bad precedent for the guys that want to terrorize us. Don’t want any Fat Boys landing on US, that’s for sure.

Anyhoo, the Grenada Invasion (firestorm that it was) doesn’t hold a voodoo candle to Operation Spirit Force. This is a full-blown invasion, whereas Grenada was only partially blown at best. But they were both equally stupid, like the great Spanish American War back in the – what, the 1800’s? Help me out here, Dad! Teddy needed a war, and Spain was throwing rotten beets at him (or olives, whatever they grow over there).

What would happen if the Faulkland Islands declared war on the Hawaiian Islands for cutting off their sugar cane supplies in response to some altercation between shipping companies? The British Islands would join the fracas because of their treaties and alliances subsequent to the Faukland Liberation Pact, of course. And the rest, as they say, is History!

“Islands at War” – what a great book title, not to mention a mother lode for the special effects wizards at CNN!

But wait, the Transylvannia Operation is happening now, we can’t have TWO stupid wars going on at once! That would confuse the viewership and make them turn off the TV sets, thus threatening the economic turnaround we were hoping for. You can’t finance a full scale global conflict at today’s prices without boosting ad revenues at the same time or else you only increase the deficit, silly! Why must I always be the one to set the record straight? Why?