Fortunately for both of us, the UPS man turned out to be a woman because I kissed her on the cheek and jumped for joy! "My business cards! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You don't now how happy you've made me! How can I ever repay you?" She dashed off in a big hurry as soon as I signed the tablet, so I guess it was a busy day for her too.
I walked inside and carefully unwrapped my new treasure. I swear that a beam of golden light shot up to the ceiling and the sound of a choir filled the room when I opened it, but I doubt if you'll believe me since you weren't there to see it and hear it for yourself. One of my greatest weaknesses has always been my inability to save the best for last, from wanting to eat dessert before dinner all the way up to this little rant I am writing. It's due to a lack of patience, for sure. But it's also due to a kind of childlike exhubarance that would expect the imminent loss of my font tooth to be plastered across the front page of all the major dailies!
OK, so the best part is this - these puppies are finely lined with the fur of the exotic-but-now-extinct Asiatic Mink, which once roamed the open tundras of Asia in giant herds, while packs of cold, shivering Asians hunted them down to steal their warm coats. I hope the one who contributed its fur for my cards was able to grow it back in time for the winter. But the fact that the Asiatic Mink is now extinct suggests otherwise I suppose.
I hope you are NOT an arch animal rights activist or this could easily offend you and you might throw red paint on my new business cards - PLEASE DON'T. Because of their high cost due to the custom parts and assembly required, I only had three of them made. The amount of fur required to make all three would not have covered an Asiatic Mink's tiny, pointy ears, and my Dad used to say "cold ears never hurt anyone" and I believe him.
It was not only the high cost, but my concern for the Asiatic Mink that caused me to print only three. I'll have one in a frame hanging on the wall in the front room, another in a safe deposit box at the bank, and of course one for my wallet. The one at the bank is there in case scientists need the DNA at some point to clone a new mink. Inside the fur around the edges, the card is much like any other card - it has my full name, nickname, company name, job title, rank, serial number, address, email, Web site address, ICQ number, and various phone numbers and so on at the top. (I had to use 4 point type to cram all that stuff in there so you can barely read it). Then, in big bold black letters adorned in Garamond-like garishness, are the words
"Inventor, Writer, Comedian, Composer, Philosopher and Juggler".
I have to admit I struggled long and hard over the juggler part - I've never juggled oranges, much less bowling balls, flaming sticks or chain saws. It makes sense to start with tennis balls before even looking at a chain saw, but as fate and irony would have it I lost my balls in a tragic chain saw accident. (The tennis balls I used to keep on hand for juggling, that is). I have juggled my BILLS before, which is something akin to juggling chain saws and flaming sticks at the same time, so I think that alone justifies putting it on my card. I figure that if I don't demonstrate some kind of physical talent along with that other stuff I might be closing the door to a whole range of possibilities. I haven't thought of any yet, but I just have a hunch that juggling is key element of my future somehow.
Obviously I won't be leaving any of these jewels in those giant fishbowls at the restaurants, nor will I be sliding them across the conference table at my next high level pow wow. "Look but don't touch" will be my motto - can you blame me? Sure, if Bill Gates, the Pope and President Bush all came calling on me at once and asked for my business cards, I might think about it. After hearing the tragic story of the cute little Asiatic Mink I'm sure at least the Pope will have second thoughts. Bush claims to support the animal rights movement but he doesn't own a famous dog like his Dad did, so I'm starting to doubt his real position on the matter.
And as far as Bill Gates goes, the other two would show up wearing bunny costumes long before he will even return my phone calls I'm afraid. Read my "Open Letter to the Pope" if you need clarification on the matter - I won't go into it here, except that I did receive an absolution kit via FedEx Overnight Express from the Vatican.
I'm seriously thinking of setting up a business card factory here in the apartment, right next to the film production studio over in the corner. These "certified original clones" of my Asiatic Mink masterpieces could be assembled at the rate of 50 an hour if I only had a few helping hands around here (just one would be great, come to think of it). I'm sure there are plenty of less extinct and not nearly as exotic animals that wouldn't mind contributing some of their excess ear fuzz to a good cause. I'll promise them to donate $1 from the sale of each one to the Animal Rights Movement and I will (promise them, at least).
So for now I need to get hopping like a bunny in a bunny costume around here - putting the photos up at www.furlinedbusinesscards.com is the first thing to do. Cracking the mystery of secure online ordering forms and credit card validation is the next. Then I will begin planning my retirement, which will happily come a lot sooner than I had hoped because of the works of art in my hot little hands and the idea that just popped off my keyboard a minute ago about selling them. Jamaica City, here I come!
