(This letter was sent to George W. Bush in October of 2002 but was obviously ignored).
Dear President Bush,
I can't believe that the Leader of the Free World is actually reading my words - if you only knew what an honor it is! While I have corresponded of late with both the Pope and the Queen of England, neither of them have the military arsenal at their disposal that you do. Prayer works and money talks, but missiles scream if you know what I mean!
Speaking of screaming missiles, I couldn't help but follow this whole brouhaha between you and Saddam (or "Damn Saddam" as I'm sure you call him when the doors are closed). I'm a ranter and not a politician, or I would probably be in prison by now. But even so, I would like to share with you a few "tricks of the trade" that we ranters have at our disposal to see if they might help - if it avoids a cataclysmic global conflict I'd say it's worth a shot, wouldn't you?
OK, Mr. President, now that I have your attention here's my plan: First you're going to need Saddam's email address - you'll have to skirt the usual channels of using your puppet ambassadors to mouth the usual party line for my scheme to work. Finding his email address shouldn't be all that difficult, but I don't know the domain name appendage for Iraq - probably .iq or something. Try a few test messages to saddam@aol.com.iq, or iraqityrant@hotmail.com.iq, whatever. Eventually one of them won't bounce back and you'll know it's the right one. (He'll know it's you because your name is in the Sender's field).
His first reply is likely to be hostile - maybe "Die American Infidel Pig of Satan" or something provocatory. Don't get upset - it's called a "flame" in the email world and it happens all the time. I'm sure you'll be tempted to send some flaming missiles his way in response - DON'T DO IT! Not yet, anyway. Instead, reply to his flame in the following manner:
Dear Saddam,
I am in receipt of your reply to my previous email and I acknowledge your sentiments. However, as the Leader of the Free World I am a patient, kind and forgiving man who still has not gotten permission to take unilateral military action against you, and so I will refrain from doing so for the time being.
The purpose of establishing this form of dialog is to see if we can reach a diplomatic solution that does not involve the unsightly effects of Daisy Cutter bombs on your otherwise handsome and striking countenance. You may wish to tour the Tora Bora region of Afghanistan to get a feel for what they can do - what were formerly called "mountains" are decidedly more hillish in nature now. Imagine your various Royal Palaces taking on a similar "look and feel" and I think this form of diplomacy will get your attention pronto (we say that a lot in Texas, but it's really a Spanish word)!
Look, I know you have some crude but nasty weapons and you don't want us to find them or we will take them away from you. Fair enough. Even though a single missile from one of my Nebraska silos would turn Baghdad into a crystalized sand formation resembling charred auto glass, I will keep my twitchy finger away from the button for now. But if you want to keep all that crap you're going to have to take it with you and leave Iraq! However, I don't think any other country will take you, not with me, Tony and the boys breathing down their necks, so we have to come up with another plan.
That's when it hit me like a ton of Bunker Blasters - the Space Shuttle is free for the next month as far as I know! The moon is virgin territory, as well as the various planets, passing asteroids and whatnot. You could round up old Bin Laden and take him along if you like, but with that $25 million bounty on his head you might have a Russian vessel in hot pursuit - that's twice their annual space budget nowadays!
Anyway, I don't want to ramble on but I do want you to see what kind of a thoughtful and creative guy I am, and how gracioulsy I am allowing you to breath air that is not flame-based in one way or another. I think we can reach a gentleman's agreement that the whole world will stand up and cheer. The Shuttle will be ready and waiting - just say when!
My regards to you and your umpteen wives, consorts or whatever you call them, as well as your 43 kids.
Most Sincerely,
President George W. Bush
P.S. - Dad says you're lucky Powell and Schwartzscoff were such lightweights or you would be 10 year old history, pal!
As you see, Mr. President, you could be turning a new page in the history of world diplomacy - I do hope you'll consider it.
Yours in Patriotic (though Pacifist) Fervor,
Randall Hayes the Rantmeister of Dallas
