Your Majesty the Queen of the British Isles (including Ireland, unfortunately),
I bend my knee to the ground like they do in the movies and bow my head in reverence. For Your Majesty to be reading my words in one of the very rooms that King Henry VIII might have stored his row of severed heads sends shivers up and down my spine - I'm sure the Palace was around back then, wasn't it? Or was it burned down by some invading hordes of barbaric Frenchman at some point and had to be rebuilt brick by bloody brick? I seem to remember something like that but I pray that Your Majesty will forgive my sketchy knowledge of my Mother Land's history.
Your Graciousness, I am a toiler in the vineyard of words, a ranter by avocation, and my native tongue originated in what is called "The Queen's English". I am assuming this to be some kind of copyright, trademark or other sign of intellectual property ownership on Your Majesty's behalf. Assuming that I am correct in what only seems obvious, I would humbly submit to Your Majesty a few questions, suggestions and - if I may be so bold - complaints about Your Highness's language. May I, Your Highness?
First of all, some of the words in Your Royalship's dictionary seem to have originated in the mind of a psychotic person, and could never have snuck past Your Majesty Herself, or by any of Your Majesty's Ancestors (all the way up the chain of Your Majesties, which I have labeled "recursion #44"). But the term "common vernacular" that is used to refer to a form of speech or a literary device I use a lot is exactly such a word - it sounds like part of the circulatory system rather than a literary term. Perhaps it was mislabeled or something? I don't know, but I do get a lot of mileage from talking about the "vernacular vein" so don't change it without letting me know if Your Majesty doesn't mind.
Your Worshipfulness, I was a spelling bee winner at the age of 9 and have always been a great speller. But my spelling abilities have tracked my eyesight pretty much, and now some of Your Majesty's words are starting to give me fits. Can we talk about whether "exagerration" should have two g's or not? And "embarrassment" is always one or two "r"s short or too many.I dare not go on and on or I will bore Your Highness to tears - if this were the 1400s I might easily have my head rolling around in a basket over such audacity as mine. But you are a kind and noble Queen, and not prone to violent outbursts unless someone in your Royal Family does something really stupid in front of the cameras. I can't blame Your Majesty, but you can't say "off with their heads" like your ancestors used to - I'll bet you say it to yourself at times, though!
Enough of this for now. Please "chew on it and get back to me" as we say in the corporate boardrooms over here in the Former Colonies. Would love to get an email dialog going - I've got lots of questions about the Palace that only Your Majesty can answer. And of course we've only scraped the bare surface of the word thing, that will take eons.
Yours in Humility, Reverence and Awe,
Randall the Rantmeister
