The History of Humor in the Judeo-Christian Tradition

You may laugh at my plan to crack the laughter code by uncovering the humor and sourpuss glands in our subtle anatomy, thereby discovering how to stimulate the laughter reflex directly. But then they laughed at Thomas Edison when he invented the Phonograph, but mostly because the thing looked so friggin’ funny the way I see it. Those who laugh at people attempting to do the impossible are only sourpusses in disguise. “Those who cannot laugh must not interrupt those who are in the process of doing so”, a great man once said. Many things were funny in Edison’s time, and not just the phonograph - old Henry Ford had a great sense of humor when you look at those old Model T cars of his! What a hoot!

Some people have humor glands that are overly developed, even to the point where it dominates their bodies and pushes them around like some schoolyard bully. This may sound funny to you, and for the most part it is. But I can tell you it can even be dangerous at times. When a word like “cockamamie” can send someone like me into hysterics, you wonder if I should be operating a motor vehicle unattended (with me being unattended, that is, motor vehicles must be attended or they don’t move). Like what if I saw a funny billboard supposedly designed by He/She/It and swerved into oncoming traffic in delirious fits of laughter? I would not want to be driving the opposite direction as me on Central Expressway, is what I think, nor would you.

That’s why I make people sign waivers and disclaimers in the front of anything I write. If you laugh your ass off, please don’t come crying to me (or laughing to me, for that matter). Or rather, please DO come to me. Someone without an ass is either going to be the funniest or the most tragic thing you’ve ever seen; determining your response is crucial to my understanding of the laughter mechanism. For example, a person who has laughed his or her ass off will have to buy a whole new wardrobe – I don’t think that is the least bit funny. Shopping for clothes is one of my least favorite things of all (unless I have a woman with me to help). Don’t ask me why or I’ll get off on a rant that I’m not prepared for yet – that comes later.

It’s the people whose asses are still intact and fully attached that I am interested in studying. If someone dies laughing I certainly can’t interview him or her, can I? But any reported Near Death Experiences would be absolutely invaluable to me. Was there a dark tunnel with a light appearing on the far end? Did you see any figures in the shimmering light, beckoning you to join them? Anyone you recognize? Groucho Marx, maybe?

I think I would see Benjamin Franklin, Groucho Marx and a few other Ascended Masters of days gone by. Mind you, this is not “literal” death, in which case I hope to be seeing He/She/It and not the Evil Sourpuss Himself, the One who controls the Realm of Eternal Humorlessness. Because the failure of our humor glands is one of the surest signs of Evil in our world, wouldn’t you say?

To my way of thinking, the Lucifer of Laughter was the Original Sourpuss. He wasn’t always that way – in fact, he was the highest Jester in the Court of He/She/It for eons and eons, as I recall. I can’t remember in the Book of Genesis which day Adam and Eve were created. But the Fall of Lucifer is related somehow, because the Serpent appeared to them in the Gardenof Eden and Eve took a bite of the Big Apple (thanks, Eve). We had no sourpuss glands before then, and now we do. The rest is ancient history, as sad and humorless as it is.

The apple in my nifty analogy was the “apple of the knowledge of what is funny and not-so-funny”. In God’s Perfect Design, everything is absolutely hilarious! God didn’t invent bad jokes that don’t make people laugh, God invented the rhinoceros – I don’t why I brought it up, because now I’m laughing too hard to continue!

Time for intermission, I’ll be right back after this Chuckle Break.

Ah, now I feel better. You wee, the Evil One, the Lord of Non-Laughter, has been trying to convince human beings for ages that a rhinoceros is not funny looking at all, but threatening and menacing. I wouldn’t laugh if I were being gored by one, but you might if I were your enemy! “Ha ha ha”, you would snicker.

But wait! One of the Ten Commandments of Humor is that “Thou shalt not laugh at thine enemy’s misfortune” isn’t it? That would imply a moral code buried deep in our DNA and our racial unconscious that would limit our ability to laugh, wouldn’t it? Or is laughter simply not appropriate at some moments, like the moment of being gored by a rhino or watching someone else be gored?

But hey, the entire country almost got Gored a while back but got Bushwhacked instead – what a close call!

In my newly developing Humor Theology, which I am revealing for the first time in history, there is the equivalent of an Old Testament and a New Testament. (I think you’ll like where this is headed, I certainly do so far). Back in the Olden Days, before the Dead Sea was even sick, smiting your enemies was a great way to amuse yourself and your friends. Or seeing someone else’s enemies get smote was equally funny. Rhinos did not roam ancient Galilee as far as we know, so that comedic device was not available.

To where did they turn for “this guy walks into a stoning” jokes? To actual stonings, of course. Or people getting devoured by lions were a great source of Sunday afternoon hilarity. But dontcha see? This is just a form of the Evil Sourpuss masquerading as the Lord of Laughter Himself! Seeing people get devoured by lions or gored by rhinos, regardless of how funny the rhino looks, is NOT funny! That’s Old Testament stuff, when an “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” started out as a standup routine before it became “the Law of the Land”.

In my Cosmology and Theology of Humor, which borrows heavily on Christian and Judaic customs, scriptures and belief systems, the New Testament is where the old “eye for an eye” kind of laughter was made obsolete, once and for all. “For all have laughed at bad jokes and have fallen short of Original Humor”, would be one verse in my new “Bible of Humor for the Modern Age”. For we have lost our way, and the world is threatened by extinction in the form of bad jokes and stupid wars, sayeth the Prophets.

The prophets were my favorite guys in the Bible, both the Old and New Testaments. I'm fairly certain that even primitive underarm deodorants had been devised in those days, so that “perfume” must have pervaded the dusty marketplaces. But that perfume was the least of John the Baptist’s problems! He made it a point to be as unkempt as a modern day Jerusalemite of his times could look! I can’t recall off the top of my keyboard what he wore, but it wasn’t a nice sheet-like garment like the other folks wore. It was more like a loose covering fashioned out of weird plants he found in the wilderness, his “home sweet home”. And let's not talk about his diet on an empty stomach - it would be enough to make Arnold Ehret gag!

But every now and then I’m sure he raided Jerusalem Proper, staggering up and down the dusty roads going on and on like a raving, wild-eyed lunatic – “Repent ye stupid Children of Moses, for ye have not gotten the joke and are laughing at the wrong times” would be my version of the Prophet’s main pitch line. Because the people back then had lost sight of Original Laughter and were not getting the Jokes of the Prophets, Wise Men and the Elders. Instead they were laughing at the wicked jokes of the Evil Sourpuss, Lucifer the Prince of Dark Humor and Dead Baby Jokes.

You don’t believe me? OK, what about this – those wicked folks in Sodom and Gonorrhea had nothing to laugh about until that guy’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt according to my way of thinking! If somebody else was turned into a pillar of limes, a real party might have ensued if Mexican tequila plants were prevalent over there! But the desert of ancient Galilee had properties less arid than those of Ancient Mexico that most likely would not have supported that cactus. Plus Columbus had not even discovered the Ocean Blue yet, which is a big kink in my logic I admit.

Sure, laughing at someone who was turned into a pillar of salt might smack of Old Testament laughter, the old "eye for an eye" kind of comedy. But compared to seeing someone devoured by a rhino I think it would be pretty friggin’ funny, don’t you?

Are there any Biblical scholars or know-it-alls in our midst (especially in the midst of my readership and people they know) who can help me find funny things in the Old Testament? Sure, the endless series of “who begat whom” was always great when I was desparate for a laugh – some of those names were wickedly funny! I can’t think of one right now, but I will and I promise you will bust a gut if not part ways with your butt!

I’ll be back – meanwhile, I am deadpan serious about uncovering some good material here, so I need your help. Suggestions are welcome, encouraged and even begged and groveled for.

Time out for a research break! Meanwhile, write back! Is this funny or not? If you don't write back I'll send a rhino to smite you and make you the laughingstock of all your enemies and their friends, who will relish the sight with glee and amusement!

I'm being serious now, so don't laugh.