Black Comedy and Untold Wealth!

You may not know this about me, but I'm really into comedy and humor and always have been. My father was (and still is) a comedian and humorist masquerading as a retired professor, as was his father and his father before him (and it's fathers from there on up, as far as I can see).

Who knows? Perhaps the original Hayes Clown was a court jester in the court of Henry VIII, trying to make the new candidate for Mrs. Henry VIII laugh long and hard enough to forget about that row of heads over there on the mantle! Talk about a tough job, especially after only 3 or 4 heads were on display, not to mention 7! What the history books left out is that there was also another row of heads over by the fireplace, the heads of all the jesters who weren't really all that funny, at least not in the "ha ha" sense anyway.

That's because comedy and humor are hard work, not some ridiculous exercise of telling stupid jokes or tripping over things on purpose (although even that has its place in the right setting). No, a comedian must approach the art of comedy as if it were a martial art, which is exactly what it is. You've heard of black comedy, yes? Sure, it's just like black magic or witchcraft or, even better - take THE BLACK NINJA COMEDIAN, black belt in the Martial Art of Black Comedy! You know this guy - he's the one who tells some horrible joke about the condition of someone's head after they were killed in a plane crash and you find yourself doing two things at once - laughing at the joke and being horrified at the fact that you are laughing!

Not that the Black Ninja Comic is doing anything harmful, like the witch who casts a spell on you to cause a bout of shingles (which is only fun if you're the witch, I can certainly vouch for that). No, in fact it is only the black comedian who dares to expose us to ourselves so nakedly, revealing all our hidden assumptions and beliefs that may be total bullshit (and in fact they usually are)!

If I were the Black Ninja Comic (and I'm not saying whether I am or I am not) and if I were on the stage at The Improv on a crowded Saturday night in Dallas, here is what I would do:

I would suddenly unzip, pee into a clear shot glass and down it before anybody realized what happened!

Then, as everyone was either gagging, running for the exit, or calling the police on their cell phones to report the hideous act of indecent exposure that just took place in front of their wife or girlfriend's innocent eyes, I would calmly explain the scientifically proven evidence that urine contains many essential vitamins, minerals and even precious hormones. This is in contrast to excrement, which consists almost entirely of morbid waste products. Why, the Yogis in India have been drinking their early morning urine for centuries, and some of them live to be 150 years old! Here, anybody want to try some? (Sounds of pandemonium in the background).

You see, as a Black Ninja Comic I would have thereby accomplished two mind-bending feats of black comedy at one time! I would be exposing people's stupid Puritanical notions about a quick peek at a little penis (er, little peek at a quick penis, that is) AND I would be exposing a widely held misconception about the toxicity and putrid nature of our own urine! You don't get much better than that, folks, I hate to admit it.

Then, when I was released from jail after convincing someone to post bail for me (if anybody would want to admit that they even knew me by then), I would immediately file a counter motion to have the entire case thrown out of court on the grounds of a faulty penal system and insufficient evidence, damn it! The publicity alone would be worth millions!

Speaking of millions (or rather billions, that is), I've been doing lots and lots of research lately. In fact, I only feel comfortable releasing this information to begin with because I've filed a preliminary patent and copyright portfolio with the Federal Trade Commission, Office of Patents, Trademarks and Copyrights, and have now received a nod of approval from my patent attorney.

So, are you ready? (drum roll, please)...

Turns out that most jokes and many classic songs are in the public domain - or they used to be, that is! By reclassifying section IIA of the Patent application document on line 5c, redefining "work of art" to include jokes or parts of jokes - or even songs and parts of songs, for that matter - I can now lay claim to royalties that are bigger than you can possibly imagine!

For example, take the popular classic, "Pop Goes the Weasel". I don't know who wrote that song and I don't care, because I know he or she has been dead longer than I've been alive, which is almost 50 years! And after 50 years, the song is in the public domain!!!

Here's the catch, the magic loophole, the key that unlocks the treasure chest of immense wealth and profit:

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE MINOR MODIFICATIONS TO THE WORDING, MELODY AND/OR BASIC STRUCTURE OF THE JOKE OR SONG TO CREATE A NEW COPYRIGHTED WORK OF ART WITH A 50-YEAR GUARANTEED PROTECTION AGAINST ALL "KNOCK-OFFS"!!

So for starters I have produced a reggae-style, world-music version of "Pop Goes the Weasel" that would make Bob Marley, David Byrne and Paul Simon stand up and salute (that's assuming Marley were still alive, of course). Think about it - it would bring back pleasant childhood memories while at the same time making you want to get up and dance in a very seductive and erotic way with whomever walks by! (No, that's the black art of Music, not Comedy!) Will it rise to the top of the charts and stay there for months and months? As soon as I can convince the first record company to return my calls I'm betting that it will!

The first blockbuster hit single on the "Pop" charts is only the tip of the iceberg, my friends. There will be so many hot properties coming out of this that I've been forced to set up a new entertainment conglomerate in my apartment, mostly as a set of subchapter S Delaware corps until the cash starts rolling in (you know, for tax purposes and all). First there will be the Humor Corporation, but I haven't thought of a name for it yet (any ideas?) Don't laugh, I've written a business plan that lays claim to some vast, untapped markets in the humor industry, markets that have lain dormant for centuries! The calls from the greedy VCs are filling my voice mailbox, no kidding! And because of my handy new patent and copyright portfolio, every time a radio host or talk show person tells one of my jokes or any variation thereof, I will receive a royalty payment or else I will sue the bastards - their choice!

So the next time you consider singing "Happy Birthday" to someone at a restaurant or something, check first on my Web site to see if you aren't violating my "web" of copyrights around a number of specific variations of that song. If so, we can easily and quickly settle out of court - no problem! I like you!